Eternity with Olivia Grace

I've tried not to write this post. I've put it off for too long. I should be sewing but the Lord has spoken to my heart and I must obey... Some may know that 4 years ago, we lost our 2nd baby before we were even able to hold her. But what you may not know is how the Lord truly worked in my life during that time of sadness. Before I start I must tell you that I am a Christan. I believe Jesus is the son of God and that He died on the cross for my sins and 3 days later He rose again. He is my Lord and Savior and He has forgiven me of my sins and that one day I will be with Him in eternity. And because of this I beleive that the Lord can speak to my heart and soul in any way he chooses.


Now here is the story: In late September of 2006 we found out we were expecting our 2nd child. We were in shock. Austin wasn't even 1 yet. We lived in a small 2 bedroom 1 bath house. I had just started teaching. To say the least we felt we were not prepared for another child. We felt that somehow we were "cutting" off Austin's childhood by having another child this soon. After the shock wore off we began to get a "little" excited.


Our first doctor's appt was on a stormy October day. I remember sitting in that room when the doctor told us she thought our pregnancy wasn't going to make it. She gave us no hope. Numb we walked out of her office into the rain...as soon as I sat down in the car tears began to fall from my eyes. I couldn't control myself...and now 4 years later the same thing happens as I go back to that day... I knew in my heart that this baby was the daughter that I had prayed for...I told God I wasn't letting go that easy and as we drove down the road my spirit reached up and I grabbed her foot! I wasn't letting go or giving up that easy!

We went straight to my in laws house. Were they prayed over us...the following Sunday I went to their church were they laid hands on me and prayed over the baby. The my father in law spoke what God had placed on his heart that this baby was a girl...I hadn't mentioned to anyone what my heart was telling me about her....God confirmed in my heart this this was my baby girl. Through the power of prayer we found another doctor and the Lord began to work miracles. My hcg levels began to rise, just as they should. Every thing was looking good. We sold out house and bought another bigger house and closer to family.


Then on Nov.6 (the actual day of Austin's 1st birthday) I began to have problems. Just 2 days before my first ultrasound. We went to the ER. Through all of this I had a peace. I kept telling Brady that everything was going to be ok. They did an ultrasound, found the embryonic sac, but no baby...I truly believe that God hid her from my sight. He knew that I couldn't handle seeing her there when He knew how everything would end. And now thinking back, I'm glad that I don't have that memory.

The diagnosis was a miscarriage...I still didn't believe...I feel like the Lord had me in a bubble... The diagnosis was confirmed by a drop in hcg levels... That weekend we celebrated our first child's birthday and our second child's entrance into Heaven...I honestly don't know how I made it through that weekend...It was only through the grace of God... The Sunday following the birthday party, I was laying in bed...when I felt His peace all over me and I let her go....I can't explain the feeling but I can still feel it now... Through the next weeks the Lord spoke a name to my heart Olivia Grace...Olivia means peace and Grace reminds me of God's grace that he pured out to me during that time...I felt at that time that God wasn't telling me no but just "not right now."

I don't want anyone to think it was "easy" to lose her...there were days/nights/weeks/ that I cried out to God to give her back. There were times I felt God was "teasing" me....let me have her for a few months and then take her back...but through all of it God has a plan and He is working His plan for my best and for His glory.

After the loss of Olivia, I prayed that the Lord would allow me to become pregnant with another child on or before her original due date which was June 22. God is so good! We heard our 3rd baby's heart beat in late June!

I was so certain that this baby was Olivia. That God had given her back to me...so sure that on my first ob visit I told them that this was it...no more children!

I was shocked when we were told it was a boy. Once again I felt so numb. I look back and feel so ashamed of my feelings those 9 months...I was so obsessed with wondering if I had "enough faith" to make the baby a girl that I wasn't even thankful for his health. I know I don't know all of God's plans or reasons. But I do believe that the Lord has a great plan for Lo's life. God knew that if Olivia had been born that Lo wouldn't have been born...

These past two years I have been on a spiritual journey that has many hills and valleys...I feel that the Lord is telling me that our family is not finished yet...I still have a desire to have a daughter. I have struggles with knowing if this is a desire that is in line with God's will or a desire to replace what I lost...

I think I am finally at point in this journey where I can finally say that if the Lord blesses us with another child I will praise Him and if not then I will praise Him for the blessings I already have! Regardless I am content and thankfull for the 2 blessings I get to enjoy here on this earth!

And I "hate" to say the the death of one mother's daughter has allowed God to speak to my heart. Most of you reading this are local and you know about the death of Brittany and Shep...Her sister Brooke and Brittany's husband, Clint, have been posting on Brittany's facebook page. Their posts are amazing and God is truly holding that family in the palm of His hand...

But one post that really touched my heart was from Shep's babysitter. The Lord had spoken to her through a dream...in the dream she saw Brittany with Shep and another baby...they were so happy...so at peace... Brooke wrote of how Brittany had experienced a miscarriage before she had Shep and she believed that this "other baby" was the baby Brittany had lost...only family knew of this loss. How awesome that God gave this vision to Shep's babysitter...she had no idea of the loss...this dream not only gave confort to the family but also to mine...

I know it is hard for the family to lose 2 lives at the same time, but Brittany died the "perfect" death of a mother...Brittany is spending eternity with her children! Forever she will be with them! And they with her.

No matter how long I live on the earth it is nothing compared to how long eternity is...Tears came to my eyes.... The Lord spoke to my heart through this families pain.

If the Lord blessed us with a daughtr on this Earth I will praise and thank Him, but if I have to wait my whole life it's okay because:

I GET TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH OLIVIA GRACE!!